Should she marry him?
If I read this piece later and think it sounds like some of the simplistic nonsense that we so often read in self-help books, I’ll shoot myself. Well...I’ll probably choose carefully where I put the bullet.
Whatever else they are Karl Popper, philosophy of science expert, says humans are problem-solvers. I don’t doubt it. Good thing too. But speaking as a Christian, I’m certain that whatever we are, if we sever ourselves from God our giftedness and purposes are railroaded. But worse than that—worse by far—our gifts can no longer function to bring about what it is that we ultimately need. The keys no longer fit the locks we feverishly try, and we pass by the doors that say, "I’m open."
The bulk of our entire problem solving work, I should think, would involve gaining knowledge. That makes sense, don’t you know. There must be knowledge!But the stockpiling of knowledge doesn’t appear to be bringing us any nearer to peace, peace within or peace with our neighbours. Even the obvious reasons for that are too many to follow right now.
Of course, you don’t need to be told that there are tens of millions that live contentedly and seem to be quite happy without God in their lives. I believe that’s the case and I think it’s very gracious of God to continue to bless us with so much (Acts 14:16-17 and 17:25) when we have no intention of acknowledging his generosity. No one lives without God in their life, whether they acknowledge it or not. To live only for ourselves is to miss the point of the cross (2 Corinthians 4:14-15). And then there are the millions that cannot live contented—they lack food, shelter, adequate political freedom and other basics without which a contented life is nearly impossible.
Like everything else, the quest for knowledge and the role of "problem-solver" can be over-rated and I think that is especially true in the lives of many sensitive believers who find themselves desperately trying to keep their heads above water. For whatever reasons, their lives are chaotic and they search their world over to find the solution. For some, their restless state is a chemical or hormonal or other imbalance or lack. Where that’s the case, wise and attentive doctors and medicine carefully used offer adequate control and we should thank God for them. But for a vast number, medicine only treats some of the symptoms and the underlying problem is barely—if at all—kept under control. The medicine doesn’t treat the problem!
Their ceaseless struggle with mental and emotional stress leads these hurting people to think things that aren’t true. Some of the religious rubbish you hear from self-serving preachers that are dolled up to the nineties, makes matters worse for the fragmenting people. Their illness, they’re told, is because they won’t believe. That goes along with what thesufferers tend to think. God must be terribly disappointed with them, must be angry with them and/or must be punishing them. It’s bad enough that they're feeling this agony—loss of health is bad—but to think that you’ve lost God or that he doesn’t want you must be unbearable. And because it’s unbearable the sufferers can’t allow themselves to fully believe it. There must be an answer somewhere! This is a problem that needs to be solved! The way to solve it is to gain more knowledge about God.
Ah, there it is: "more knowledge about God." So the answer is in knowing more verses, reciting more texts, being able to understand more complex theology? Somewhere there’s a point at which we have so much knowledge, and poof, a flash of blue smoke, and all the hurt vanishes? Don’t believe it; but don’t despise knowledge or think it useless. Not all knowing is knowing, and not all truths are of equal value though they are all equally true.
Where it’s the case that our hurts are plainly because of our selfishness, the direction we need to go is clear even if momentarily painful. Grow up or live with the consequences!
But for millions of people, their inner distress is so acute that they can’t take their eyes off themselves! And they’d love to be free to think of others! I have no comfort to offer those whose only wish is to serve themselves—it isn’t comfort Christ offers to such people. He looks at hosts in awful need and then at us who whine for "more" and for things we shouldn’t have and he speaks in holy strictness.
I know no guaranteed cures for hurt in this life. I don’t know that they exist. Dear God, I don’t know a guaranteed cure for my own needs, but I’m blessed enough where I don’t hurt like so many I know personally, and so many I know in other ways. But this I know—to "know" God is to have peace with him and to trust him (not ourselves!) eases pain and steadily dissolves it.
To trust God sets us free from having to trust ourselves!
Kierkegaard was over the top in his theological reasoning (the roots and nature of what I think is his error don't matter right now) but this brilliant man stressed a truth that we don't sufficiently take into account. He stressed that the search for knowledge, for answers, got in the way of our trusting. In fact, it was often a mark of our lack of trust.
Here's how it works. An utter stranger walks up to a woman and proposes marriage because, says he, "I am deeply in love with you and will love and cherish you forever." She quite sensibly says, "But, sir, I don't know you. Have a bit of sense, how can you expect me to commit myself to someone I don't know." But he persists, day after week after month. He isn't obnoxious about it, just persistent. She comes to think, "Hmmm, maybe he's the genuine article and maybe it would be a fine thing to commit to such a one. But how can I possibly trust him?" Still he comes, laying his love before her. "But, sir, you don't know me, how can you love me and how can say you will love me forever?" His reply satisfies him if not her. "I know me! I love you and will love you forever." She now thinks that maybe he's worth the effort but she wants to be sure. So like the sensible woman she is, she inquires of the local policeman in his neighbourhood. Has he ever been in trouble with the police? Does he have a criminal record of any sort? She inquires of the postman. Does he appear to be kind, gentle, someone who could be depended on? She checks with his old school-teachers. What does his history suggest? Did they ever know him to lie? She talks with his friends. Is he a patient person? Is he very demanding? What's he like if he's disappointed? She takes copious notes so that she can go over them, she might be able to find clues in there to some kind of pattern. It's all very sensible. Certainly nothing that sensible people would criticise her for. In fact, if she just up and married a perfect stranger, trusting her life to him simply because he said he loved her—they'd think she was mad. She wants to be sure and what could be wrong with that? However sensible and practical it is, every interview she conducted, every letter of enquiry she wrote, every note she took and scanned for clues demonstrated her lack of trust. However silly it would have been for her to do it, had she trusted the man completely and married him when he asked her, she never would have made all the enquiries. Her search for knowledge that would justify her committing herself to him was the proof that she didn't trust him. And her search for knowledge, believing that if she could "know," that she could be secure, what was this but placing her faith in her search, in herself, in her informants rather than in the man who said he loved her? And, as she reflects on it, she realises something else. She realises that part of her uncertainty lies in the fact that he doesn't know her. She is more than half-afraid that his love for her would be undermined if she disappointed him. If he got to know her, he might begin at disappointment, move to despising and finally to hating her. She realises she wasn’t only doubting him—she was also doubting herself! But that made her realise that she was subconsciously thinking that his relationship with her depended on how fine she was. This meant she didn’t understand the nature of his love for her. But whether she thought well or ill of herself, she wasn't trusting him. Maybe it made sense that she shouldn't! Maybe he should have to prove himself before she trusted him! Whatever. But if that’s the case, it’s clear she doesn't trust him!
Now: Does the man she can't trust, hate her because she can't completely trust him? Well, he comes every day proposing marriage and offering his forever kind of love. And maybe he knows her better than she knows he does. And maybe that doesn’t matter either.
©2004 Jim McGuiggan. All materials are free to be copied and used as long as money is not being made.
Many thanks to brother Ed Healy for allowing me to post from his website, the abiding word.com.