From Jim McGuiggan... THE MERCIFUL GOD KNOWS

THE MERCIFUL GOD KNOWS

I confess to being self-critical beyond what’s healthy. Self-examination is a good thing but a little of it, if it’s genuine, goes a long way. Before long it becomes toxic and self-centered. Nothing should take the place of God at the center of our thoughts—nothing! Certainly not me—not for any reason.

My Ethel knew me well and when one more time I’d express a needless offering of relentless self-criticism she’d eye me with a steady gaze before telling me: “If you criticized me as much and as severely as you do you someone should take you aside and rebuke you. You are no more your Lord than you are mine. You need to stop it!”

         That degree of self-rebuke isn’t humility! It might be arrogance. Who do I think I am? Michael the Archangel? Am I so wonderful that I to be above making mistakes? There’s a strange inconsistency about me. From one angle I see myself as a worm, worth nothing and at the same time I act as though I should be able to live as though free from sin and stupidity? So, what am I? Worm or archangel? 

Whether I like it or not I’m just another little human, sinful and vulnerable and in need of forgiveness and understanding.

   

       If I see someone in need of a cup of cold water, in need of clothing or food or a place of shelter—in need of what I can supply—clearly I ought to offer it. What if it turns out that the one who needs the cup of cold water is myself? What if I’m the naked, hungry and lonely one? 

  

        I’m not wise enough or consistent enough to know how to live this complicated life in a truly balanced way. I’ve no wish to go to either extreme—a flinty righteousness on the one hand or a weak-kneed-indulgence on the other. I don’t want to be Hugo’s policeman, the stony Javier nor do I want to be the irresponsible [but more likeable] Mr. Micawber of Dickens’ Copperfield. You must understand that there’s a lot in me that can justly be criticized so you mustn’t see me as simply humble. This ambivalence I experience is a real issue and not just a topic for discussion; it is confessional as well as an element of confusion.

         But the problem is bigger than my own concerns. What if it’s the case there is someone who loves me dearly and with whom I have a great deal of influence and what if she sees me refusing to give myself any leeway and thinks, “If that’s how life is to be lived then I must be very much harder on myself than I have been”? What if I leave no room for my blunders and wrongs—will she feel compelled to make no allowance for hers? Will I make a prisoner of her by being a prisoner myself? Or should I “giver her permission” to be merciful to a sinner by being merciful to me—the sinner?

          I confess I want to rest in GK Chesterton’s grand appeal to God to help him to see more than the ordinary in himself. He asks God to so sever him from himself that he can see the wonder that he is [his bones, his blood, his eyes and his life] and the needy person that he is. I’ll close with this. 

         Write me if you wish.

                               THE SWORD OF SURPRISE

SUNDER ME FROM MY BONES, O SWORD OF GOD
TILL THEY STAND STARK AND STRANGE AS DO THE TREES
THAT I WHOSE HEART GOES UP WITH THE SOARING WOODS
MAY MARVEL AS MUCH AT THESE.

SUNDER ME FROM MY BLOOD THAT IN THE DARK
I HEAR THAT ANCESTRAL RIVER RUN
LIKE BRANCHING BURIED FLOODS THAT FIND THE SEA
BUT NEVER SEE THE SUN.

GIVE ME MIRACULOUS EYES TO SEE MY EYES
THOSE ROLLING MIRRORS MADE ALIVE IN ME
TERRIBLE CRYSTAL MORE INCREDIBLE
THAN ALL THE THINGS THEY SEE.

SUNDER ME FROM MY SOUL, THAT I MAY SEE
THE SINS LIKE STREAMING WOUNDS,
THE LIFE’S BRAVE BEAT
TILL I SHALL SAVE MYSELF AS I WOULD SAVE
A STRANGER IN THE STREET.

©2004 Jim McGuiggan. All materials are free to be copied and used as long as money is not being made.

Many thanks to brother Ed Healy, for allowing me to post from his website, theabidingword.com.